Sunday, July 25, 2010

Dear Charlotte Church

Here's a letter I wrote to Charlotte Church when I was 16, in 10th grade:

Dear Charlotte Church,

Wow. How convenient that I found your address. The Internet is seriously amazing these days. All I had to do was search you on Yahoo, hack a couple secure pages, and wham! ...Now you're getting this letter. The next challenge is making it persuasive enough that you'll actually read it and respond.

So, I'm in a pickle (pick hold?). I'm currently needing a date to homecoming, and you're currently 10,000 miles away. Do you see the problem? Let me begin with the official asking: Charlotte... I would be honored if you would be my homecoming date! Will you go with me?There.

You do not need to worry about this date at all. First, I wouldn't showcase you by making you sing. Other people might get excited about that, but I'll tell them you're here for the dance, not to entertain. Any singing would take place as a personal serenade in our limo or when we go for that romantic walk near the gezebo. Second, I would try to not introduce you as my official girlfriend. Instead, I would just tell people that "we're working on it" or "her fame keeps us apart." Third, I insist that our colors be orange and teal because I already have a vest in those colors. You will want to find a dress that matches (not skimpy). Fourth, absolutely no dancing with other guys. You're obviously going to be the hit of the night, so let's not make it complex. You're with me, and the rest of them can be satisfied with what they asked! Lastly, the goodnight kiss would not need to be longer than 10 seconds. I understand if your body guards need to be present, but please, tell them beforehand to not watch. I might get shy.

Okay, I anxiously await your reply. You have two months in which to prepare for the greatest dance-experience of your life. If you have any questions, you are more than welcome to call me on my home telephone number.

(contact info)

(That little brat never got back to me!!!)

Friday, July 23, 2010

Late Books and Library Fees

I guess I've always had a mischievous side. I've never been rebellious or what some would call "bad"--I have too much natural remorse for that (and I like to think I have too much moral direction, too). But mischievous is a good label.

My mom and I have always had too much in common in that way. Now she's mischievous! Just take one car ride with her and listen to her ideas and schemes and you'll know what I'm talking about. Listening to stories of her when she was my age: HA...we would have been best friends! As a elementary school teacher, my mom would often come home and complain about the stupid things her students would do, but I could do the exact same thing and she'd think it was funny. It was because she trusted me, and she knew I had a lot of energy and ideas (not to be used for evil). ...Like the time my friend and I went to Vegas instead of a sleepover because we wanted some cheap crab legs. My mom laughed after she heard about it (I told her about it myself) because she knew I wasn't trying to prove or get-away with anything! "Just never tell me before you do these things." ...Or like the time I tried to sell the house while she was working late at parent-teacher conferences. (I figured it would be good money. And I can split responsibility with Zack Morris. It was half his idea!!!).  "It was a good idea, I'll give you that!" she said. "What were you gonna do with the money?" She still trusted me.

It's good to have familial trust. ...But I will never, ever have the library's trust. The library and I have what marriage therapists would call a dysfunctional relationship, filled with neglect, hostility, and stonewalling--a veritable disaster to any type of relationship.

It's even more like a marriage in that I know what I'm getting myself into. When I swipe that card, I'm making a vow: "I, Dallen Johnson, take you, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, for my lawful library checkout, to have and to hold, for the next three weeks, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until three weeks do us part."

I fail in my vows every time. I never hold the book. I never experience the better/worse crap (what the characters go through, I suppose), and three weeks inevitably turns into three months. The library is so giving and I am so taking. This is clearly neglect.

(Charlie Brown fails at a lot of things too)

Because of my neglect, I ensure myself the late fine. It's not the library's fault. It's mine. I've realized that my library card has become more like a credit card. I scan it, take my "merchandise," and secure to myself at least a dollar or two of debt later (for each book).That's where the hostility comes in. I get sad and upset because of the imposed fine that I am now responsible for--that was really all my fault.

(This fee is now up to about $2.50 I think)

And now I'm stonewalling. I'm not going to read their stupid books anyways, so why go there? Why even think about it? ...I'll read books my mom suggests and gives me. I always keep my vows to those.

Well I don't know where to go from here. ...I just decided to write about it because I took back late yet another book. Actually Sara took it back for me because I was too lazy. And no I'm not going to tell you what book it was either. I'm embarrassed.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Never Have I Been More Convinced

Am I impressionable? ...A lot more than I realized! It all started with an Old Spice Commercial.

I guess that's where it ended, too. Old Spice commercials. Usually the only commercials that influence me (in ANY way) are those made by Applebees and Tucanos, and I'm only susceptible to them when I'm hungry. Or when I'm eating something repulsive (again) (I hate you cheap chimichangas!). Once during a Tucanos commercial my mouth started watering so much that I almost drooled. Sickening. ...Besides those, commercials usually just become background noise, or else they get muted by my roommate Dave. He and I then commence to have two-minute, awkward half-conversations which end as soon as the commercials are over.

Well never have I been more influenced to buy a product than now. Entertaining? Yes... and boy do I wanna be an Old Spice man!

After seeing this commercial, I actually scoffed a little at my spray-on Right Guard (Right Guarde?) and recalled the time when, right after applying it, a girl told me I smelled like bug spray. Forever influential. I think of it every time I put on deodorant (but, yes, I thank you for your honesty!!!). I think her comment, combined with of the confidence and style of the Old Spice man (a true man's man!) is enough to get me to switch. I wanna swan dive through the air onto a hot-tub motorcycle, and I know how I'm gonna do it: Old Spice.

I was so easily influenced. My laughs were long and loud. Corporate America, you finally got me. I didn't realize it until I was planning exactly where and when I could buy my new magic formula and become an Old Spice man, not Bug Spray man. Here is one more commercial for your entertainment!

(and I'm still whistling the theme song)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Wipeout Application: SUBMITTED!

Dear Casting Director:

Hi, I'm the Red Baron, also known as "Dallen Danger" to my friends, and I'm the greatest and best looking "Ace" that has ever lived. I'm a commercial pilot ready to shoot down the other 23 Wipeout contestants. I'm not afraid of showing myself to the enemy. Let them see me, and let them be afraid!!! That's why I go red. Red for love, red for blood, and red like the big balls.

I'm typically the first to dive in. I'm typically the first to pull through, and I'm usually the only one to get out alive. That's why Wipeout is perfect. Bring on the hits. I'm used to them, but I've got a few sucker punches of my own. The $50,000 is more than in reach, and I'm going to fly through the course, if you know what i mean. Go Red or Go Home!

Dallen Danger

(I was going for cocky and ridiculous!)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dear Dallen...

It's alright! Have a good time! 
Cause it's alright!
Whoooooa, it's alright!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Jacob Keele: Modern Man or Mammoth Myth?

Superman was my first hero. Then I realized my grandpa was WAY better than Superman. Then I realized my mom was WAY better than Grandpa. Haha. just kidding. Both are champions! And that is why my family is ranked number one in my book.

But today is not about Superman or Grandpa or Mom or any other well-known super-heroes. Today's blog is about Jacob Keele--the man, the legend. A hero!

From ordinary beginnings grew a boy. Now Jacob, 19-years-old, is about to leave on a two-year volunteer mission in Peru for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm almost eight years older than this remarkable young fellow, but, truly: I've come to regard him as one of my best friends.

Want a better feel for Jacob? Watch this video.

(This was for a competition. Jacob WON... $2,000 bucks!)

Jacob's good with people. He's good with art. He's good with basically whatever he decides he wants to be good at! Like film. Did you see that $2,000 work of art he made above. What's great is how willing he is to serve. Now he's the type of do-gooder this world needs.

For those who don't know what a mission is, Jacob is going to represent his church by teaching the principles he believes and serving the people however he can. His schedule is beyond full-time. From 6:30 in the morning until 10:30 at night, he will do nothing but missionary work. And no one sponsors him during his two years. He pays for the plane, where he lives, what he eats, and every other thing that he needs for the entire time. He's spent the last couple years saving so he could afford to go.

People of Peru: listen to his message!
People he knows: write to him!
Girls: He won't be gone long, Don't waste your time on anybody else....

(Although there may be some heavy competition. Check it out!)

Jacob. Peace out for two years, bro. Thanks for being a true friend. Don't die, because I wanna have more river-rafting, movie-making, fake-punching, boy-banding, batman quoting, Troll 2-watching adventures, k? See ya suckaaaa!

Friday, July 2, 2010

If You Want To View Paradise, Simply Look Around and View It!

Willy Wonka holds so many life lessons worth living. I mean the old Willy Wonka! One of the reasons I didn't like the new Wonka is that a lot of the cool lessons were lost. It was just more about being weird and entertaining. ...I'm really of daddish that way, though. I love shows and books that make you think. That change you. I can totally see myself pausing movies like Willy Wonka and preaching to my kids. "Now what is something you think Mike TV should have done better? How are we like Mike TV?"  ..."Dad! FREAK! Stop pausing the movie!"

Well ever since my blog post a few days ago... the one with the Wonka song in it... I've had that song stuck in my head. And I've been known to suddenly start singing, "If you want to viiiiiewwww paradiiiiise simply look arooouund and view iiiiiit!" Usually in the shower. Or to myself. But mostly in my head!

And while I was working at 4 this morning, there it was again. And I started pondering how true those words are! I realized just how good I have it. In spite of it all, I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoy my life.

:: My Personal Paradise ::

1. Church
I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Been a member my whole life! And I listed this as my first one because religion, doctrine, principles, covenants, and etc etc etc help me to find understanding, direction, hope, and peace in this life.

(The Salt Lake Temple)

(Missionaries. I was one of them once)

2. Family.
Okay... my mom's hilarious and one of my best friends. Just so you guys can get an occasional taste of our daily interactions, I've made a "Favorite Quotes from my MOM" section over there on the right. Oh, so funny. Mom, you're the greatest! And just to spare you the embarrassment, I won't post your picture. You're welcome.

3. Friends
The best friends money can buy! wait.

(We hang out anywhere, even in strangers' trucks)

4. The career I've always dreamed about!
I've wanted to be a pilot since I was 3 years old. I started flying when I was 14. ...and I haven't crashed yet!

(Preflighting the Katana, Summer 2009)

5. A future filled with hope.

6. A past filled with trials.

7. A present filled with stability and cleanliness.

(This isn't quite what I meant, but... oh well)

Now I'm not naive. Things can be really hard. Things can be downright miserable. But what I'm saying is that if you really sit back and think about it, and kinda look deep inside... maybe to the more innocent part of yourself... you'll realize that you can still manage to see the paradise. If you're having trouble with that... write me and we'll talk about it a little further! :)
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