Oh, the Hilarity!!!

A Moment of Stress: The pizza is round. The trashcan is round. WHY CAN”T THE BOX BE ROUND?!?!

Message Left on my voicemail by GREG: Dallen Johnson, huh? More like Dallen DUMPFACE. Why aren't you at FHE? Even I made it to FHE, loser. You need to explain yourself to the rest of your roommates before we... drop a dead bird in your bed or something. Yeah...everybody was wondering where you were. I didn't really care, but they made me call you. BYE!

ME: So would everybody please turn to Mosiah 10:5? Does anybody have it memorized?
ERIN: ...This is about women and CLOTH!
ME: OH!!! I mean Moroni 10:5

ME: I think I'm going to go make me a horcrux.
DAVID: Is a horcrux a type of sandwich?

ME: "A light joking pleasure is the most round of all."

TY: I'll brb. I think I'm going to go grab me a coffee.
ME: Fine! Go get your mind and mood altering substance!
TY: YEAH! I'll come back hyper and happy and you'll KNOW it's fake. You'll KNOW it! HA HAAAA

NATE: I switched pillows with you because mine gives me nightmares!
ME: The one with GEESE on it?!
NATE: HEY! Those geese come right on after ya!
GRANDPA: That's true!!!

ME: Isn't that a picture of October Bloom?
DAVID: No... I think his name is Orlando Jones.
ME: Hmm... something sounds wrong.

ME: I'll give you $10 if you go shove those girls into the fountain!
NEIL: That is definitely not worth an assault charge.
ME: Oh come on... it's not assault if you add a crazy sound effect and then everybody laughs!

DEVIN: Your Honor... You just had to be there. The sound effect TOTALLY got rid of the "assualt" in my actions.

CALEB: If ever you're going to poke someone in the eye, make sure your finger's good and salted.

BRIANNA: Did I finish my juice? ...I wasn’t mentally prepared for that!

A Moment of Stress: The pizza is round. The trashcan is round. WHY CAN”T THE BOX BE ROUND?!?!

NATHANIEL: Josh... I love you
JOSH: What?
NATHANIEL: Not in a weird way. I just love you. I just think you're a good roommate, and I'm glad that you're mine!
JOSH: ...Huh.
NATHANIEL: That's what I've been trying to tell you all this time by making you roommate of the week!

ME: Man, I want you to be back from your mission. You know, I'll be married when you get back.
NATHANIEL: Can I uncle your children?
ME: ...As long as it's not a verb!

GREG: Sucks to be him and ROCKS to be me!

MOM: Dallen... I'm at the point where I can't even dye the gray out of my hair. I need to mascara it!

BRIGHAM: I went and talked to this group of nerds once because I was seriously wondering how it works: who's the head nerd? Is it the MOST nerdy or the LEAST nerdy guy who's in charge? ...So I went over and asked them, and one guy immediately answered, "The most nerdy guy operates his power vicariously through the least nerdy guy."