Monday, October 11, 2010

Life Goals!!!

I sat in my front room thinking, looking out the window, past the balcony and into the mountains, and I started getting sentimental... thinking of home and my family and some of the dreams I have. Sounds cheesy I know, but it happened, and here is the result ~ a new and improved list of my life goals. I'm thinking of doing like my friend Sara and posting the list on my sidebar, right under "Quotes from my Mom." And when I accomplish them, they'll go on the bottom of the list with a little checkmark by them. Let it be known that every single item on this list will someday be accomplished, and this is in nowise complete! I'll add to it as I remember/think of new ones

The bolded ones are goals I've had that I've already accomplished.

Speak fluent German
Read the Old Testament
Read the Old Testament in Hebrew
Visit Sedlec Ossuary in Prague
Go to Mecca and walk around the Ka'ba
Visit the Gates of Paradise in Florence.
Visit the Vatican
Visit the Garden of Gethsemene
Visit to Machu Picchu
Go sky diving
Become scuba certified
Visit Dracula's Castle in Transylvania
Actively invest in real estate
Run a full marathon
Compete in an Iron Man competition
Face my worst fear
Go cliff diving
Go on a gondola ride in Venice
Base jump
Learn to rock climb
Camp in a snow cave
Make my own sushi
Sing in General Conference
Go surfing
Drive a race car on a real track
Jump a motorcycle
Learn to hip hop
Build a five-foot sand castle
Own a corgi
Run a horse in an open field
Sell a sculpture
Bowl a 200
Sail on a boat
Go paragliding
Swim with a dolphin
Save someone's life
See a tornado
Defend someone's honor
Live somewhere foreign
Have a book published
Learn to play the violin
Learn to play the piano

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Dear Charlotte Church

Here's a letter I wrote to Charlotte Church when I was 16, in 10th grade:

Dear Charlotte Church,

Wow. How convenient that I found your address. The Internet is seriously amazing these days. All I had to do was search you on Yahoo, hack a couple secure pages, and wham! ...Now you're getting this letter. The next challenge is making it persuasive enough that you'll actually read it and respond.

So, I'm in a pickle (pick hold?). I'm currently needing a date to homecoming, and you're currently 10,000 miles away. Do you see the problem? Let me begin with the official asking: Charlotte... I would be honored if you would be my homecoming date! Will you go with me?There.

You do not need to worry about this date at all. First, I wouldn't showcase you by making you sing. Other people might get excited about that, but I'll tell them you're here for the dance, not to entertain. Any singing would take place as a personal serenade in our limo or when we go for that romantic walk near the gezebo. Second, I would try to not introduce you as my official girlfriend. Instead, I would just tell people that "we're working on it" or "her fame keeps us apart." Third, I insist that our colors be orange and teal because I already have a vest in those colors. You will want to find a dress that matches (not skimpy). Fourth, absolutely no dancing with other guys. You're obviously going to be the hit of the night, so let's not make it complex. You're with me, and the rest of them can be satisfied with what they asked! Lastly, the goodnight kiss would not need to be longer than 10 seconds. I understand if your body guards need to be present, but please, tell them beforehand to not watch. I might get shy.

Okay, I anxiously await your reply. You have two months in which to prepare for the greatest dance-experience of your life. If you have any questions, you are more than welcome to call me on my home telephone number.

(contact info)

(That little brat never got back to me!!!)

Friday, July 23, 2010

Late Books and Library Fees

I guess I've always had a mischievous side. I've never been rebellious or what some would call "bad"--I have too much natural remorse for that (and I like to think I have too much moral direction, too). But mischievous is a good label.

My mom and I have always had too much in common in that way. Now she's mischievous! Just take one car ride with her and listen to her ideas and schemes and you'll know what I'm talking about. Listening to stories of her when she was my age: HA...we would have been best friends! As a elementary school teacher, my mom would often come home and complain about the stupid things her students would do, but I could do the exact same thing and she'd think it was funny. It was because she trusted me, and she knew I had a lot of energy and ideas (not to be used for evil). ...Like the time my friend and I went to Vegas instead of a sleepover because we wanted some cheap crab legs. My mom laughed after she heard about it (I told her about it myself) because she knew I wasn't trying to prove or get-away with anything! "Just never tell me before you do these things." ...Or like the time I tried to sell the house while she was working late at parent-teacher conferences. (I figured it would be good money. And I can split responsibility with Zack Morris. It was half his idea!!!).  "It was a good idea, I'll give you that!" she said. "What were you gonna do with the money?" She still trusted me.

It's good to have familial trust. ...But I will never, ever have the library's trust. The library and I have what marriage therapists would call a dysfunctional relationship, filled with neglect, hostility, and stonewalling--a veritable disaster to any type of relationship.

It's even more like a marriage in that I know what I'm getting myself into. When I swipe that card, I'm making a vow: "I, Dallen Johnson, take you, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, for my lawful library checkout, to have and to hold, for the next three weeks, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until three weeks do us part."

I fail in my vows every time. I never hold the book. I never experience the better/worse crap (what the characters go through, I suppose), and three weeks inevitably turns into three months. The library is so giving and I am so taking. This is clearly neglect.

(Charlie Brown fails at a lot of things too)

Because of my neglect, I ensure myself the late fine. It's not the library's fault. It's mine. I've realized that my library card has become more like a credit card. I scan it, take my "merchandise," and secure to myself at least a dollar or two of debt later (for each book).That's where the hostility comes in. I get sad and upset because of the imposed fine that I am now responsible for--that was really all my fault.

(This fee is now up to about $2.50 I think)

And now I'm stonewalling. I'm not going to read their stupid books anyways, so why go there? Why even think about it? ...I'll read books my mom suggests and gives me. I always keep my vows to those.

Well I don't know where to go from here. ...I just decided to write about it because I took back late yet another book. Actually Sara took it back for me because I was too lazy. And no I'm not going to tell you what book it was either. I'm embarrassed.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Never Have I Been More Convinced

Am I impressionable? ...A lot more than I realized! It all started with an Old Spice Commercial.

I guess that's where it ended, too. Old Spice commercials. Usually the only commercials that influence me (in ANY way) are those made by Applebees and Tucanos, and I'm only susceptible to them when I'm hungry. Or when I'm eating something repulsive (again) (I hate you cheap chimichangas!). Once during a Tucanos commercial my mouth started watering so much that I almost drooled. Sickening. ...Besides those, commercials usually just become background noise, or else they get muted by my roommate Dave. He and I then commence to have two-minute, awkward half-conversations which end as soon as the commercials are over.

Well never have I been more influenced to buy a product than now. Entertaining? Yes... and boy do I wanna be an Old Spice man!

After seeing this commercial, I actually scoffed a little at my spray-on Right Guard (Right Guarde?) and recalled the time when, right after applying it, a girl told me I smelled like bug spray. Forever influential. I think of it every time I put on deodorant (but, yes, I thank you for your honesty!!!). I think her comment, combined with of the confidence and style of the Old Spice man (a true man's man!) is enough to get me to switch. I wanna swan dive through the air onto a hot-tub motorcycle, and I know how I'm gonna do it: Old Spice.

I was so easily influenced. My laughs were long and loud. Corporate America, you finally got me. I didn't realize it until I was planning exactly where and when I could buy my new magic formula and become an Old Spice man, not Bug Spray man. Here is one more commercial for your entertainment!

(and I'm still whistling the theme song)

Friday, July 9, 2010

Wipeout Application: SUBMITTED!

Dear Casting Director:

Hi, I'm the Red Baron, also known as "Dallen Danger" to my friends, and I'm the greatest and best looking "Ace" that has ever lived. I'm a commercial pilot ready to shoot down the other 23 Wipeout contestants. I'm not afraid of showing myself to the enemy. Let them see me, and let them be afraid!!! That's why I go red. Red for love, red for blood, and red like the big balls.

I'm typically the first to dive in. I'm typically the first to pull through, and I'm usually the only one to get out alive. That's why Wipeout is perfect. Bring on the hits. I'm used to them, but I've got a few sucker punches of my own. The $50,000 is more than in reach, and I'm going to fly through the course, if you know what i mean. Go Red or Go Home!

Dallen Danger

(I was going for cocky and ridiculous!)

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dear Dallen...

It's alright! Have a good time! 
Cause it's alright!
Whoooooa, it's alright!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Jacob Keele: Modern Man or Mammoth Myth?

Superman was my first hero. Then I realized my grandpa was WAY better than Superman. Then I realized my mom was WAY better than Grandpa. Haha. just kidding. Both are champions! And that is why my family is ranked number one in my book.

But today is not about Superman or Grandpa or Mom or any other well-known super-heroes. Today's blog is about Jacob Keele--the man, the legend. A hero!

From ordinary beginnings grew a boy. Now Jacob, 19-years-old, is about to leave on a two-year volunteer mission in Peru for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm almost eight years older than this remarkable young fellow, but, truly: I've come to regard him as one of my best friends.

Want a better feel for Jacob? Watch this video.

(This was for a competition. Jacob WON... $2,000 bucks!)

Jacob's good with people. He's good with art. He's good with basically whatever he decides he wants to be good at! Like film. Did you see that $2,000 work of art he made above. What's great is how willing he is to serve. Now he's the type of do-gooder this world needs.

For those who don't know what a mission is, Jacob is going to represent his church by teaching the principles he believes and serving the people however he can. His schedule is beyond full-time. From 6:30 in the morning until 10:30 at night, he will do nothing but missionary work. And no one sponsors him during his two years. He pays for the plane, where he lives, what he eats, and every other thing that he needs for the entire time. He's spent the last couple years saving so he could afford to go.

People of Peru: listen to his message!
People he knows: write to him!
Girls: He won't be gone long, Don't waste your time on anybody else....

(Although there may be some heavy competition. Check it out!)

Jacob. Peace out for two years, bro. Thanks for being a true friend. Don't die, because I wanna have more river-rafting, movie-making, fake-punching, boy-banding, batman quoting, Troll 2-watching adventures, k? See ya suckaaaa!

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